Last words….

“If you died one day, I wouldn't know that. I don’t care about it, and I can’t care about it anyway….Stop asking for anything; I have nothing for you and to you… “ These were the last few words she said to me; from the woman who gave birth to me. I was sobbing and screaming, WHY? WHY? Why would you say such heartless words to me? Why don’t you care or love me?? She hung up the phone even before I finished my question. The same question that I have asked millions times since I was five years old.

It was two years ago.

This was a pattern between mother and me, but this time I felt different. The fact, I kept giving her opportunities once, twice, and millions more to hurt and disrespect me. This time, I decided that I needed to reclaim my Divine Right. I deserve Love and Respect. None beings can hurt me anymore…

a Beautiful mother

Mother is beautiful, talented, brave and determinate. She grew up in an upper Chinese bourgeois, and Grandparent families owned banks, salt, mail delivery services in Shandong, China. In the very end of the Chinese Civil War, people were awake from the reality. They tried any possible ways to fleet out of China. Before the Grandfather found a way to take his eight children and Grandma, everyone with him to Taiwan, the communist party was after the family. They captivated the family members and took grandma, mother, and my two uncles in front of the people for criticizing and denouncing. My aunt who just recently passed away had bonded feet.

***Chinese Hungry ghost, has a oceanlike stomach, needle mouth… by Fang Ling-An***

During the process of escaping from China to Taiwan, they fleeted from Shandong and lived in the south of China. One of the uncle unacclimated the transitions and died from food poison. A few months later, they sailed by ship to Hainan Island. It took almost a year, and a few stops between. The final destination was Taipei, Taiwan. The ship stopped at the shore for a mechanical issue, and the captain told all refugees to stay next to the ship so when she was ready to sail, everyone would be boarded. He would not wait for anyone. Mother was six years old at that time. She ran away to explore the shore. According to the Grandma, she didn’t feel the danger at all even from the matter of life and death event. All the family members went to search for her. When they found her and rushed back to the ship, half of the refugees were washed away in the ocean by the strong unexpected waves. The tropical climate in Southeast Asia is known for its unexpected winds and rains during the summer. She is the heroine in the family since.

Mother grew up in Taiwan and earned a good education, well known in her business filed. She has a reputation for being generous and talented. She is ambitious, successful and a hardworking woman. Beside managing two businesses, she learned oil painting after older brother passed away from the heart attack. She paints very well. She sold a few of her works; friends and family begged for her paintings as gifts. I thought that she learned an art form. Our relationship could be closer, but this gave her more pains and pleasures to humiliate me as a conceptual artist, who has not sold works to make a living. I know now that deep down she wished me to be as successful as she is.

Growing up as the one and only daughter in the family, the suffers were real, and the suffers led me to seek for truth, understanding, and healing…

When I started working with SRT (Spiritual Response Therapy) a few years ago, there was no surprise… She is one of my twin flames. Twin flames often have very similar energies, personalities, destructive or challenging when engaging with each other. There are two energies simultaneously pulling by longings for love and pushing away by painful dissatisfy similarities between the twins. This unique and extreme soul composition portrayed in the fictional dramas or novels. I remembered Mommy Dearest as an interesting film when I watched it with my college roommate, and I said it was similar to my life and story. She thought I was joking because I was such a happy, creative, responsible student.

Mine was also real but unknown and almost unbelievable to others in real life.

Who are my parents?

I wanted to believe Mother and I love each other, yet grieves, pains, and hate were much deeper between from the past to current life time. The discordant energies were like dark clouds covered the whole 20,000 miles between our physical distances. I could feel the aches of longing for her love but it was so fearful and frightening when I thought about her vicious and untruthful accusations at the same time. Since I was a child, I was the one who always felt guilty, even I did nothing wrong. I was the punching bag and trash can.” I listened to her complains about how the father was not home all the time. Due to his job, he had to travel to different cities to meet with his clients. He was in machinery trading; it was a unique business back then because they imported well-made Japanese and German products. Not many business people were dealing with them after WWII for patriotic reasons, but that’s what he knew and was good at. He loved to entertain his clients. When he was back in Taipei, he hardly was on time to have dinner with us. He was always late because of gambling. Mother made me call and left messages that we were waiting him for dinner… She scolded me so hard once because I accidentally said I was his Home (家裡) instead of me am calling from his home. "Home" in Chinese formal way means wife. She yelled at me and said, “Who do you think you are? You are so stupid can’t even say the proper words. How could you be his wife? People would know it was I to have you call him.”It has been over all these years, but I can still hear what she said in my head. I would work extra hard to clean the house, do the laundry, go shopping with her, learn cooking at age of six. I would do anything just to please my beautiful mother. I loved her so much.

About 10 years ago, one night in my apartment at Oak Park, IL, I felt the presence of my older brother came to visit. I told my friend, Anthony immediately, that my older brother just passed away. A few hours later, my cousin, Jennifer called and verified the news. I knew how hard it must hurt mother. He was the apple of her eye. I flew back and helped out the funeral. Traditionally, parents are not allowed to conduct the funeral for their deceased children. For thousands of years, it considers as unfilial. The younger brother is another “prince does nothing” in the family, and he claimed it would be very unlucky for him if he helped out the funeral. The Chinese ritual for the unfortunate parents was mother coming out of the hall from the back, and holding a cane and beating at the coffin… She was so sad, so fragile, weak, sobbing unstoppably, screaming and the most she was angry… She turned around and yelled at me: Why weren’t you dead, but my son, but my one and only love in the world?

My heart stopped, I felt my breath was leaving my body. I saw my body was standing in the funeral hall, there were two huge chains locked both of my hands, feet and neck, the chains tied back to mother as well. Yes, mother, why was I still alive?

A Red Dragon with Two Heads,

Both Breathes with Fire

My Twin Flame Mother and I were like a giant red dragon with two heads; each head breathes with fire. I felt the heart wrenching love and the burning hate for her. She said to me she lost a few babies right before I was born. She knew I was the very girl that she wanted. And she loved me. For years I felt I was the very girl she wanted, so she could torture me! I was not allowed to speak out because she was always right. If I expressed more, she would punish me more. Yet,It didn’t dim my flame! I bursted back with courage and strength in every possible chance, but her high and strong fire always burned me into ashes. She expressed she loved me, but she doesn’t know how to love me. We argued why I was not able to go to college like everyone else, but I had to work for her? Once I challenged her decision, and she was so furious, and said, “NOW I remembered I was your enemy last life. I killed you that time with a knife. I was able to give you birth, I am able to take your life away!” I have a birthmark on my stomach. I asked why people have birthmarks.? Mother said once it is how people find each other after incarcerations. Some old Chinese said, some birthmarks meant the wounds from previous birth. I saw her eyes turned red, and the fire was about to burst. Even I was deeply wounded, but I just refused to dodge.

Mother also did not wish to others to pay attentions to me, especially the ones from my father. She wanted to control everything. I started to learn how to write before school taught us because I missed my father when he was away. I desired to write letters to him. He was happy to receive my letter, and made fun of my handwritings. I longed and waited for his returned joyfully in the end of every month, but mother told him what I have done wrong while he was away. I was not a good girl. As a woman, she was jealous that her husband paid attentions to me but her. My respects and love for the father also lost when he whipped me with a garden hose without mercy because I wanted to sleep with them at the same bed. As a five years old child, my request up set them. My legs were covered with bloody marks the next day I went to kindergarten. The teacher asked what happened to me. I told her the truth. Then I went home and got more punishment the same evening from both of them. The stories went on and on…

I thought leaving home at age 18 was a wise decision that I have ever made for my life.

From my research with SRT, there were countless lifetimes, Mother and I played different roles in the soul family, in different parts of the world, as father, mother, daughter, son, husband, wife, and more in the past hundreds of lifetimes. Each time the relationships ended with harsh deaths, emotionally, mentally, some were physical, some were suicides… These harms caused and created more layers of negative energies, pain bodies, traps, effects, etc…. Also these accumulated experiences and traumas were the actions and reactions for us to meet again and again until us learned the lessons.

I’ve asked this very same question, “Who are my true parents??? Why am I here???”

I am calling it STOP in all realities.

Forgiving is Medicine

All these years, I could hear her words in my head… In the past, whenever the voice vibrated, my tears ran like an open faucet. It took days for me to function normally in front of others. I've traveled around the world to search for answers, am constantly practicing different energy healing modalities, learning and exercising compassion, forgiveness, self-forgiveness, self care, re-parenting for my inner child, transforming discordant energies, clearing, our past life traumas, programs, repeatedly nulled and revoked different, all vows, contracts, agreements between us from all these lives… All the way back to the heart of Spirit… Before creation…

Yes, breath, just breath, breath…It is a lot, but the processes of growing up in that family and pushing me through the spiritually awakening are worth every second and every breath as I am writing here and now!!

Now, I am glad you ask, why self-forgiveness? I have done nothing wrong! Or maybe I did the same to her from the past? After all, forgiveness is for me, is the bitterest medicine! For thousands of years, Chinese doctor said,
“The bitter medicine is the best one.” The truth is whenever I was feeling the pains from the memories, at any level: energetic, physical, mental, emotional… actually, I realize I was giving them the permissions again, to live through me, or seeking for punishments in any means. It was a form of Self-Punishment. As I studied the Laws of Karma, the all mighty and just cosmos Laws, there is no victim. If I have not learned that, then I was allowing others to control my life.

Just like computer hard drive requires regular maintenance, so does our Akashic Records in the Soul Level. With all layers of past life stories, energies, programs, vows, contracts were saved in the Akashic Record without exceptions. It is like a Cloud Drive that keeps all the browsed history, viruses, old programs, glitches, and applications in the hard drive since the computer was built. These “issues” got triggered by time, space, people who we are interacting with.

Following the guidance, practicing SRT and conscious control, I am wholeheartedly willing to let them go, receive healing and new knowledge. The moment I consciousness made the decision of practicing compassion, forgivingness; I know I am outgrowing as a dragon that only breathes fire. I start my healing journey, life transformation and deeper understanding.

NOW I am so happy and grateful that I am who I am, and I know who I am. I am a divine child with Love and Light as my Cosmos parents. All the pains and stories are passing clouds… Today, my daily ritual is sending Love, forgiveness to mother, the soul family, to the world that I love and more. I align with my highest good with Divine Love, Truth, Peace, and Joy with my breath - In and Out...

Mother, I forgive you, not knowing hurting you was hurting myself.
Mother, I love you, not knowing longing your love was the need to love myself.
I ask that Love is the one and only true language that I speak;

the one speaks between us from now till ever…

“Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”

“Friend, our closeness is this:

anywhere you put your foot,

feel me in the firmness under you.”

“Set your life on fire.

Seek those who fan your flames.”
-Rumi

How lovely and loud that Rumi just said? If I can, so can you!!!

Twin Flames Addiction - the red dragon with two heads that both breath fire