Astral Traveling
Since I moved to Lookout Mountain in 2018, I started to dream about my older brother, who is my Twin Flame. He passed away from a heart attack nine years ago. The suppressed memories and pain often stroke me like putting my finger in the electrical outlet in the middle of the night. My brother tricked me to do that when I was a child, and I remembered I was crying from the shock; at the same time, I felt it energized me somehow. After his passing, his presence sometimes was so clear, that the dogs would feel and bark at the “image” behind my desk…
He was requesting help and forgiveness. There were some fragmented memories from our past lives to the current life; they were mixing with joy and pain. A voice came to me: “Who does not deserve forgiveness?” I also deeply regretted what I said to him during our last encounter. Words are powerful energy. Deep down inside, I felt I was somehow responsible for his death.
“Who does not deserve forgiveness?” The internal voice got louder each time. “It’s time to meet him again,” I said to myself.
As I am writing this, my *Astral body is traveling. I am not grounded. As an astral healer, being grounded is possible, but sometimes it is not optional. When the Astral body travels, I ask for shields and protection. It is extremely important to know how to be protected.
In April of 2018, I was sitting there at my desk, and there were hundreds of bug bites from nowhere. It was easy to blame them on the dogs in the house, so I checked on everyone, then the bed, the furniture, clothes… At one point, I saw the bites just appear while I was looking at my arm, almost like a scene from a horror movie. In the beginning, I did not know what had happened. I requested healing and consultations from other healers and teachers. Most did not know what went wrong until I started to work with MDS (Multidimensional Self.). Those bite marks and scars covered my physical body; the pain and discomfort lasted for weeks. It happened often for a period of a few months, and eventually, Spirit expressed to me they were from the discarnate insects between the dimensions while my Astral body was traveling.
This evening, I am in Taipei, Taiwan, at the moment when my older brother comes back to have dinner. Actually, in real time, it was about 11 years ago. I went back to Taiwan for the Chinese New Year. We were at my mother’s house for dinner. We usually had quite a few special dishes for Chinese New Year: sweet and sour ribs, ginger tomato sauce over large prawns, red braised beef with eggs, seaweed, a few types of vegetables, dumplings, and a whole fish. Each year we wrapped a few coins in the dumplings. During the dinner, the lucky ones who ate the hidden coins would receive an extra “Lucky Red Envelope.” Fish and abundance traditionally share a similar synergy; we usually can only eat half of the fish. “Fish equals abundance,” and this abundance will remain in the family. The fish also cannot be flipped over to its other side. Most Chinese escaped from China to Taiwan by boat, so flipping the fish means flipping the boat.
I had not gone back to Taiwan for the Chinese New Year celebration because normally the month-long festival is during the month of February. I was in college all these years. You can imagine I was very excited to be back during the New Year again since I had left four years before. I visited some friends, had some street snack foods that I was craving. The most joyful part was that one of my friends knew I love collecting crystal for energy healing, and she gave me a piece of natural glass as a gift. It is about the size of a football, a beautiful aquamarine obsidian. I felt the lovely and wise energies emanating from the glass. I loved it very much; I played with it and showed it to my brother during dinner. He looked at it but didn’t say a word, and he left not long after the dinner.
I was excited about my new lovely gift, but I could not find my stone anywhere. I searched everywhere and felt anxious. I looked everywhere, but it was nowhere to be found. I spoke to my mother and expressed that it was very important to me. She said I must’ve misplaced it somewhere. I replied, “But it’s a huge piece of stone; where could it be?” I was searching every inch in the house, basement, and my suitcases again and again. My stepfather felt so sorry for me, and he said to me finally. “Your brother took it with him when he left here.”
I felt sharp pain and frustration in my heart about how mother allowed this to happen right in front of her eyes. She did not stop him. Not only that, she covered up for the crime. It was not the common for the modern Chinese family to treat the genders with such great differences anymore. Yet it was established for over three thousands years that feudal Chinese society treated females and males so differently. This system was rooted in the culture, and embedded in the behavioral DNA of the Chinese. They took women for granted, and even women were bullying women. This feudal mindset still remains as residue in the common Chinese society these days.
I felt helpless. I was born into the modern time in a feudal family.
A Feudal Chinese Family
Growing up, the males had their ways of taking everything I had, from the candy that were equally shared to my piggy bank that contained money that I personally had saved. For years, I had to hide my savings in a few locations, but my older brother found all of them. My good grades at school were expected without rewards, and my mother and father made excuses to break the promises they made to me. Yet they would do everything to pave for my brothers’ future, buying them fancy bikes, cars, houses, searching for private tutors, and much more. Mother bred their irresponsible behavior, which crippled both males to develop their greater potential. They dominated everything with the support of my parents. Mother refused to offer me any reconciliation --as usual.
This time, my heart was heavy and told her that I would report this incident to the police. Mother was extremely upset with me and phoned him at last. Mother asked him to bring that piece of stone back; she refused to speak to me after that. I was waiting anxiously because I was about to fly back to the States. I wanted my precious stone to come with me. I felt that moment its energy was closer to me more than the family members around me.…
This time, my heart was heavy, and I told her that I would report this incident to the police. Mother was extremely upset with me, but she phoned my brother at last. Mother asked him to bring that piece of stone back; she refused to speak to me after that. I was waiting anxiously because I was about to fly back to the States. I wanted my precious stone to come with me. I felt that moment its energy was closer to me than that of family members around me.…
The next day, brother stormed in with a violent attitude and made me feel I was the one who had made a terrible mistake. He threw the stone in front of me onto the sofa, complaining about the extra trip I had made him take because he lived an hour away. He slapped me on my face before he left. I was so angry about the whole situation. Here was a mother who did not discipline the wrong-doing elder son and believed he was entitled to possess everything he laid his eyes on. She called me a shameful daughter of the family. It was disgraceful to be her daughter.
I screamed at him and told him to die and go to hell. These were the very last words that I spoke to him, the very last time I saw him in this lifetime.
The Death of Twim Flame
Two years later, this brother had a heart attack and was sent to the ER; the cardiologist recommended surgery because the oxygen level in his brain was too low, and if he didn’t have the operation, he would be a vegetable. However, the surgery might have a chance of succeeding…. He still had very little consciousness at that time and shook his head, meaning no surgery. Mother went against his will and demanded the surgery.
My brother passed away while the surgery was still being performed.
He was one of my Twin Flames in a very close cluster of the Soul Family. I had followed him around since I could walk. I did not know “the distances” between a boy and girl when I was with him. We slept together, ate together, bathed together. We slept in the same bed until I was five. I remembered we had a pillow fight every night, and I was always crying myself to sleep. He was rough. He would try to kiss me in a way that made me feel sick and scream very loudly. I hated his sweaty hands touching my face, squeezing my cheeks, and hitting me when I cried. Yet he always brought back the newest toys and projects from school to show off since he was much older than I was. I just followed him around. We went to catch butterflies, fishing, picking fruits from neighbors’ back yards, and riding bikes together. I felt I was a big girl by hanging out with this brother and his friends.
Later he taught me how to smoke and steal money from my dad’s wallet so we could both go out to buy candy. He knew where I had hidden the piggy bank with money that I was saving for a piano. When we both were teenagers, he asked me to buy a very interesting book. We went to a bookstore, and it was a pornographic magazine that he wanted. I was curious yet extremely awkward when he opened it in front of me. He came to my room for a few nights and tried to wake me up. I did not know what he wanted, but I was scared. I kept quiet and pretended I was sleeping deeply.
Gradually, I sensed the intimate and sickening relationship developing between us. Somehow, I felt the relationship was beyond sibling love and beyond this lifetime, but I was always afraid of him at the same time. I felt there were many sorts of evil spirits around him. When he caught dragonflies, he twisted the heads off and put them into a glass jar. He carried that jar around and showed that to other kids in the neighborhood. He put frogs into a pit of hot fire to watch them until they died. The explosions of their bodies created a popping sound, which excited him. He was physically violent toward me and from time to time took what I had saved up for my projects. Most of the time, Mother was just watching it but did not say a word. He beat me up so violently when I was 18 for no other reasons than to his typical, domineering chauvinistic self, and my mother was nearby, watching again.
The same week, I moved out and have been away from them since. Should I forgive such a horrible brother as he was, or not? It took me years to understand the truth of unconditional love. I saw the little girl was still following her big brother and saying: “Wait for me! Wait for me!”
Forgiving him is releasing myself.
Healing the Past
Now I am in the year 2002 during the Chinese New Year, visiting at Mother’s house. We are sitting together at the dinner table, celebrating the festival. My brother is there, and I am seeing him holding that piece of obsidian. I smile at him and tell him he can have it. The obsidian embodies great wisdom and positive energy. He deserves it. I express that we can exchange notes about our crystal collections sometime. I love the fact that we share very similar hobbies. We both love animals, meditation, collecting Japa Mala (prayer beads) created by different stones and crystals. I teach him a few mantras that I learn while I was asleep, and I later found they were as accurate as those that Tibetan monks have been chanting for centuries.
I give him the glass and a crystal pendant that I had just purchased from a friend’s jewelry store. I tell him that I am proud of him, and love and respect him as my older brother. He is smart, handsome and willing to help me to grow. In the soul level, everyone is love and loved.
We have a great conversation, the best ever. I say good-bye to him, and witness his leaving with gifts. We exchange smiles.
I have been sending my blessing and forgiveness to him every day since the end of 2018. I have been working on transforming the negative energy, obsolete programs, and lifetimes between us in the past few years. Lately, I found that the vows, contracts, and agreements between us were long and dense, and they must be revoked. They are chains that locked each of us up away from freedom. The transformation is not a simple, one-time deal, and some days I would be sitting at my desk for hours for transforming these energies with SRT and MDS. I have asked Spirit to assist and set up the healing committee for my Soul Family and us. Now my brother and I have space between us, and our souls are willing to be re-educated, and to work with the Soul Family Counselors.
It is timeless in the realm of the soul. Everything co-exists at THE SAME TIME in different realities and dimensions. Time is not linear; the Akashic Records is like a cloud-based data bank. The bank has all the records recorded by different lifetimes, locations, casts (the characters who were involved), the results, and consequences (discordant energy)… how these things affect our current life. You just keep adding files in the Infinite Akashic Records Cloud Drive. The Creator has programmed the Laws of the Universe for all creatures, souls and physical or formless elements. Each is to obey. They help the universe to function and to be balanced with our actions and reactions. The more we transform the useless and obsolete programs, we will find our Absolute Truth, the Oneness, The Godlike self. As we journey through light and transformations, we travel lighter in seeking Truth and seeing Spirit everywhere and in everyone.
I said goodbye to my Twin Flame, a brother in this lifetime, and guided him to be with Spirit. He is free to incarnate whenever he desires, to recreate his new success, to permit his new happiness and maybe come to Earth again.
I Am Part Of The Load
I am part of the load
Not rightly balanced
I drop off in the grass,
like the old Cave-sleepers, to browse
wherever I fall.
For hundreds of thousands of years I have been dust-grains
floating and flying in the will of the air,
often forgetting ever being
in that state, but in sleep
I migrate back. I spring loose
from the four-branched, time -and-space cross,
this waiting room.
I walk into a huge pasture
I nurse the milk of millennia
Everyone does this in different ways.
Knowing that conscious decisions
and personal memory
are much too small a place to live,
every human being streams at night
into the loving nowhere, or during the day,
in some absorbing work.
— Rumi
Life is good when we are free, yet grounded.
-Fang Ling-An