Since I moved to Lookout Mountains in 2018, I started to dreams about my older brother who is my Flame Mate, He passed away from the heart attack nine years ago. The suppressed memories and pains often stroke me like putting the finger in the electrical outlet in the middle of the night. Brother tricked me to do that when I was a child, and I remembered I was crying from the shock, at the same time, I felt it energized me somehow. His presence sometimes was so clear, the dogs would feel and bark at the “image” behind my desk…
He was requesting help and forgiveness. There were some fragment memories from the past lives till the current life, they were mixing with joy and pains. A voice came to me. “Who does not deserve forgiveness?” I also deeply regretted what I said to him during our last encounter. Words are powerful energies. Deep down inside, I felt I was somehow responsible to what happened to his death.
“Who does not deserve forgiveness?” The internal voice got louder each time. “It’s time to meet him again.” I speak to myself.
Now, my Astral body is traveling at this moment. I am not grounded. As an astral healer, grounded is possible, but sometimes it is not optional. When the Astral body travels, I ask for shields and protections. It is extremely important to know how to be protected. April 2018, I was sitting here at my desk, and there were hundreds of bug bites from nowhere. It was easy to blame on the dogs in the house, so I checked on everyone, then the bed, the furniture, clothes… At one point, I saw the bites just appear while I was looking at my arm, almost like a scene from a horror movie. In the beginning, I did not know what happened. I requested healings and consultations from other healers and teachers. Most did not know what went wrong. Until I started to work with MDS.(Multidimensional Self.) Those bite marks and scars were covered over my physical body; the pains and discomforts lasted for weeks. It happened often for a period of a few months, eventually, Spirit expressed to me they were from the discarnate insects between the dimensions while my Astral body was traveling.
This evening, I am in Taipei, Taiwan, at the moment when my older brother came back to have dinner. It was about 11 years ago. I went back to Taiwan for Chinese New Year. We were at my mother’s house for dinner. We usually had quite a few special dishes for Chinese New Year, sweet and sour ribs, ginger tomato sauce over large prawns, red braising beef with eggs, seaweeds, a few types of vegetables, dumplings, and a whole fish. Each year we wrapped a few coins in the dumplings. During the dinner, the lucky ones who ate the hidden coins would receive extra “Lucky Red Envelope”. And Fish and Abundance share a similar synergy, traditionally; we can only eat half of the fish. The “ fish equals to abundance” , and the abundance will remain in the family. The fish also cannot be flipped side. Most Chinese escaped from China to Taiwan by boats, so flipping the fish means flipping the boat.
I have not gone back to Taiwan for the Chinese New Year celebration because normally month-long Festival is during the month of Feb. I was at the college all these years. You can imagine I was very excited to be back during the New Year back again since I left four years before. I visited some friends, had some street snack foods that I was craving for. The most joyful part was one of my friends knew I love collecting crystal for energy healing, she gave me a piece of natural glass as a gift. It is about a football size, beautiful aquamarine obsidian. I felt the lovely and wise energies emanated from the glass. I loved it very much; I played with it and showed it to my brother during dinner. He looked at it but didn’t say a word, and left not long after the dinner.
I was excited about my new lovely gift, but could not find my stone anywhere. I searched everywhere and felt anxious. I looked everywhere, but it was nowhere to be found. I spoke to my mother and expressed it’s very important to me. She said I must’ve misplaced it somewhere. I replied, but it’s a huge piece of stone, where could it be? I was searching every inch in the house, basement, and my suitcases again and again. My stepfather felt so sorry for me, and he said to me finally. “Your brother took it with him when he left here. “
I felt the sharp pains in my heart, and frustrated about mother allowed this happened right right in front of her eyes. She did not stop him. Not only that, she covered up for the crime. It was not the common modern Chinese family treats genders in such great differences anymore. Yet it was established for over three thousands years, that feudal Chinese society treats females and males so differently. This system has rooted in the culture, and embedded in Chinese’s behavioral DNA. They take women for granted, and even women were bullying women.
I felt helpless. I was born in the modern time with feudal family.
A Feudal Chinese Family
Growing up, the males had their ways of taking everything I have had, from the candies that were equally shared to my piggy bank. For years, I had to hide my saving in a few locations, but my older brother found all of them. My good grades at school were expected without rewards, mother and father made excuses to break the promises they made to me. Yet, they would do everything to pave for their future, searching for private tutors, buying them fancy bikes, cars, houses, and much more. Mother bred their being irresponsible behaviors, which crippled both males to develop their greater potentials. They dominated everything with the support from my parents. Mother refused to offer any reconciliations as usual.
This time, my heart was heavy and told her that I would report this incident to the police. Mother was extremely upset with me and phoned him at last. Mother asked him to bring that piece of stone back; she refused to speak to me after that. I was waiting anxiously because I was about to fly back to the States. I wanted my precious stone to come with me. I felt that moment its energy was closer to me more than the family members around me.…
The next day, brother stormed in with a violent attitude and made me feel I was the one who made a terrible mistake. He threw it in front of me on the sofa, complained the extra trip I made him come back because he lived an hour away. He slapped me on my face before he left. I was so angry about the whole situation. A mother did not discipline the wrongful doing elderly son and believed he was entitled to possess everything he laid his eyes on. She called me a shameful daughter of the family. I was disgraceful to be her daughter.
I screamed at him and told him to die and go to hell. These were very last few words that I spoke to him, the very last time I saw him in this lifetime.
The Death of Flame Mate
Two years later, brother had a heart attack and was sent to ER, the cardiologist recommended a surgery, he said because the oxygen level in his brains was too low, and if he didn’t have the operation, he would be a vegetable. However, the surgery might have a chance…. He still had very little consciousness at that time and shook his head, meant no surgery. Mother against his will, and demanded the surgery.
Brother passed away while the surgery was still performing.
He is one of my Soul Flame Mates in a very close cluster of the Soul Family. I followed him around since I could walk. I did not know “the distances” between boy and girl when I was with him. We slept together, ate together, bathed together. We slept in the same bed until I was five, I remembered we had the pillow fight every night, and I was always crying to sleep. He was rough. He would try to kiss me in a way making me feel sick and scream very loud. I hated his sweaty hands touching my face, squeezing my cheeks, and hitting me when I cried. Yet he always brought back the newest toys, projects from school to show off since he was much older than I am. I just followed him around. We went to catch butterflies, fishing, picking fruits from neighbor’s backyard, and riding bikes together. I felt I was a big girl by hanging out with brother and his friends.
Later brother taught me how to smoke, steal money from my dad’s wallet, so we could both go out to buy candies. He knew where I hid the piggy bank that I was saving for a piano. When we both were teenagers, he asked me to invest a very interesting book. We went to a bookstore, it was a pornographic magazine. I was curious yet extremely awkward when he opened it in front of me. He came to my room for a few nights and tried to wake me up. I did not know what he wanted, but I was scared. I kept quiet and pretended I was in asleep deeply.
Ironically, I sensed the intimate relationship between us. Somehow, I felt the relationship was beyond sibling love beyond this lifetime. I was always afraid of him at the same time. I felt there was a sort of evil spirits around him. He twisted the heads off when he catched dragonfly, and put their heads in a glass jar. He carried that jar around and showed that to other kids in the neighborhood. He put the frogs in the pit of hot fire to watch them died. The explosions of their bodies created the popping sound excited him. He was physically violent toward me, and took what I have saved up for my projects from time to time. Most of the time, mother was just watching it did not say much. He beat me up so violently when I was 18 for a very typical domineering reason, and my mother was next watching again.
The same week, I moved out and away from them since. Such a horrible brother like him, should I forgive him or not? It took me years to understand the truth of Unconditional Love. I saw the little girl was still following her big brother, and said, “wait me up! wait me up!” Forgiving him, is releasing myself.
Healing the Past
Now I am in the year 2002, during Chinese New Year visiting at mother’s house. We were sitting together at the dinner table, celebrating the festival. Seeing him holding that piece of obsidian in hand. I smiled at him and told him he could have it. The obsidian embodies great wisdom and positive energies. He deserves it. I expressed that we can exchange notes about our crystal collections some times. I loved the facts that we share very similar hobbies. We both love animals, meditations, collecting Japa Mala (prayer beads) created by different stones, and crystals. I taught a few mantras that I learned while I was asleep, and I later found they were accurate as how Tibetan monks have been chanting for centuries.
I gave him that glass and a crystal pendant that I just purchased from a friend’s jewelry store. I told him that I am proud of him, and love and respect him as my older brother. He is smart, handsome and willing to help me to grow. In the soul level, everyone is love and loved.
We have a great conversation, the best ever. I say good-bye to him, and witness him left with gifts and smile.
I send my blessing and forgiveness to him every day since the end of 2018. I have been working on transforming the negative energies, obsoleting programs, and lifetimes between us in the past few years. Lately, I found vows, contracts, and agreements between us were long and dense, and they must be revoked. They are chains that locked us up away from each of freedom. The transformation is not a simple one-time deal, and some days I would be sitting at my desk for hours for transforming these energies with SRT and MDS. I have asked Spirit to assist and set up the healing committee for my Soul Family and us. Now we have space between, and the souls are willing to be re-educated, and working with the Soul Family Counselors.
it is timeless In the realm of the soul. Everything co-exists at THE SAME TIME in different realities, dimensions. Time is not linear; The Akashic Records is like a Cloud base data bank. The bank has all the records recorded by different lifetimes, location, casts (who were involved), the results, and consequences (discordant energies)… how they affect our current life. You just keep adding files in the Infinite Akashic Records Cloud Drive. The Creator has programmed the Laws of Karma and other Laws of in the Universe for all creatures, souls, physical or formless elements. Each is to obey. They help the Universe functions and balance with our actions and reactions. The more useless programs got obsoleted, energy transformations, we will find our Absolute Truth, the Oneness, The Godlike self. As we travel lighter in the journey of seeking Truth, seeking Spirit is everywhere and in everyone..
I said goodbye to my Flame Mate, a brother in this lifetime, and guided him to be with Spirit. He is free to incarnate whenever he desires, to recreate his new success, his new happiness to come again.
I Am Part Of The Load
I am part of the load
Not rightly balanced
I drop off in the grass,
like the old Cave-sleepers, to browse
wherever I fall.
For hundreds of thousands of years I have been dust-grains
floating and flying in the will of the air,
often forgetting ever being
in that state, but in sleep
I migrate back. I spring loose
from the four-branched, time -and-space cross,
this waiting room.
I walk into a huge pasture
I nurse the milk of millennia
Everyone does this in different ways.
Knowing that conscious decisions
and personal memory
are much too small a place to live,
every human being streams at night
into the loving nowhere, or during the day,
in some absorbing work.
Life is good to be free yet grounded.